My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
