So drunk its hurt
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
