two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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