Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
