it was like eating out sand paper
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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