All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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