Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize