I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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