my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize