My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
