You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
