The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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