He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Can you bring me the toilet please
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
