sarcasm needs its own font
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Enjoy the penises
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
