New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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