did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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