I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
