can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Buhtt sex?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
ok first of all what the fuck
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
