respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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