My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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