Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
