I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
