I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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