I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This is classic penis vs brain.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
