Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
