recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Everyone says I win the strip club
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
