I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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