he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
