Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
