I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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