I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
