I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
