In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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