I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
