I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
