We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
