Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
