New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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