you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
