he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
