i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
