Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
