I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
