So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
