my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
