Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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