you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize