I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
