i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
