I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
