Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
