Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
