You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
