Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
