Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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